Late Night thoughts

It's 2:59 a.m. and i cannot sleep. Why? Too much caffiene. Yes, i'm fully aware that my pancreas needs sleep in order to restore its self or some thing like that. Though i can't help it caffiene is what i need in order to make it through the day, its my "crack" or i mean my anti-drug. I can honestly tell you that without it i wouldn't function. My deppression is that strong. It's painful. It's my handicap. It keeps me in bed until my very little will power gets me up because if not i will be late. i've shared this information with friends, one tells me he understands and that i should pour these emotions into my writing. But i can't, i have no drive to pick up a pencil and paper. The others just tell me to hold on. I told my mother about two weeks ago, in hopes that she would understand and maybe help, she doesn't believe me. Isn't that encouraging? I can hide it pretty well, yet sometimes there are signs that peek, like my swollen eyes caused by either, too much crying, lack of sleep (due to periods of insomnia) or too much sleep. Sometimes when i laugh it sounds fake, or like i'm about to burst into tears. I have pent up frustration, that i can't seem to be able to release. My method of coping is to repress everything. So I am basically a walking time bomb, sooner or later i will explode. I fear it may be sooner than later. I also have frustrated hopes of of romance, which i think pain me the most. I want. I need. I'm dying of the nessesity of having someone that loves me, that needs me, some who spends every minute thinking of me. Someone who likes me for me. Someone that in all reality doesn't exist due to my high expectations. Most of all i think, no i'm sure I need psychiatric help.