the mother of your children...

I am a Woman. This says a lot though it doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone. Some think that because I’m a female I need a male to survive. Though this is not the case what is misunderstood is that I as much as I crave the company of a guy it’s not for SEX, I don’t want a Husband, I’m not looking for a Sugar Daddy to pay my bills. I want Shakespeare’s romance. I want someone to be there to hold my hand. I want that passionate romance the kind you only read of in dime a dozen novels. I don’t want to birth your children. I want to be wanted why is that so hard for you to understand?

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Those who see me
Ask if I am ok

What am I supposed to say ?
Do they know?
Do they honestly care?

That I haven’t slept in weeks
That you’ve shattered me into a million pieces

I highly doubt it

Lies

I Lied

when i told you
it didn't matter

when i said
i didn't care

i did say that
wasn't what i wanted

you just did
not care

though you promised
i remember
you said it was
not a game

you wanted me
that much was clear

you lied
when you told me
you cared

Late Night thoughts

It's 2:59 a.m. and i cannot sleep. Why? Too much caffiene. Yes, i'm fully aware that my pancreas needs sleep in order to restore its self or some thing like that. Though i can't help it caffiene is what i need in order to make it through the day, its my "crack" or i mean my anti-drug. I can honestly tell you that without it i wouldn't function. My deppression is that strong. It's painful. It's my handicap. It keeps me in bed until my very little will power gets me up because if not i will be late. i've shared this information with friends, one tells me he understands and that i should pour these emotions into my writing. But i can't, i have no drive to pick up a pencil and paper. The others just tell me to hold on. I told my mother about two weeks ago, in hopes that she would understand and maybe help, she doesn't believe me. Isn't that encouraging? I can hide it pretty well, yet sometimes there are signs that peek, like my swollen eyes caused by either, too much crying, lack of sleep (due to periods of insomnia) or too much sleep. Sometimes when i laugh it sounds fake, or like i'm about to burst into tears. I have pent up frustration, that i can't seem to be able to release. My method of coping is to repress everything. So I am basically a walking time bomb, sooner or later i will explode. I fear it may be sooner than later. I also have frustrated hopes of of romance, which i think pain me the most. I want. I need. I'm dying of the nessesity of having someone that loves me, that needs me, some who spends every minute thinking of me. Someone who likes me for me. Someone that in all reality doesn't exist due to my high expectations. Most of all i think, no i'm sure I need psychiatric help.

Winter

My bones feel the cold
The winter is upon us

It was still warm
when you held my hand
and kissed my heart
and swore you weren't like the other ones

that you'd be there in the cold nights
and we'd be together when the flowers bloomed

Old hearts never make it through the winter
they wither and then they die

Things in my purse...

I feel like blogging today and not posting any of my poetry just because I have nothing to do until the movie i want to watch uploads...
So i own a couple of purses I switch according to my mood and if I feel like carrying loads of baggage or not. Every time I switch I find stuff I bought that I shouldn't have because maybe I thought I would've liked it or would've needed it.

1. Chap-stick. I own four tubes yet I don't use chap-stick because I use lipstick very matte lipstick. I also own Carmex which I actually use at night, ,lipstick dries lips alot and so does the AC from work.

2. Condoms. I have condoms in my wallet because like every pubescent boy i thought i would be getting laid quite frequently, and I didn't want to risk joining the 18 to life club. But alas I'm not getting any nor do I think I will anytime soon cos boys are assholes and I'm giving up on them again..!

3. Gum. I honestly cannot own gum as i was instructed by my dentist not to chew any because aperantly I own a cavity farm. Also my brother and sister stel them from my purse, so when my breath is kickin' and i reach for a stick to cover up the smell of garlic (yum) there isn't any in my purse.

4. Black Bic pens. I amnot inspired to write great poetry with a simple black pen 'nuff said.

5. Big Lots' Batteries. They do not work on my camera as they do not hold alot of power. I need Energizer Lithium.

I could go on forever but the movie is semi ready. I'm an impatient person and quite frankly I'm bored.

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Today standing underneath,
the florescent lighting
i remembered that day we met

how you smiled at me
then you hugged me
and kissed me like you'd known
me forever

and that night you
told me, you thought
you loved me

how my heart skipped a beat

but my cynicism laughed and mocked my jumping heart

5a.m. Bus

Long Faces
Dark circles
Under tired eyes

They clutch at
half empty
lunch packs

Hoping that
they'll make it
through the day

On half a sandwich
and two hours of sleep

So that they can
earn their share

To pay the rent
and feed the kids
that cry of hunger pains

This was the dream
No one signed up for this

Waiting

I'm sitting waiting
staring at the screen

not wanting to know the answer
cos surely it will break my heart

the seconds seem like hours
minutes are days

and then i see it
although its what i want to see
i feel no relief

Deppression

Its back
After so long i thought
it would never return

The night hit me
blinded me

i can't take it
Slowly it cripples me

its infectious
it's spreads
with out a warning

I have no antidote

I have forgotten from before
I think there may be nothing that can be done

It's leaving me broken
And the pain
the insufferable pain
nothing can numb it
no one can make it go away

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I was ready
Emotionally
Mentally
Physically

And then it happened
and it was okay
Perfectly fine
i felt nothing

then it hit me
it was never for love
it wouldn't be for love

that years from now
you wont even remember my name

But I'll know there never was any Love

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Star struck lovers
holding hands across the universe

you say you love me
i'm not really there

My head is light years away

Thinking of the boy
wrapped in tin foil
trying to prove a point
looking for love
loosing his soul

But deep inside none
of us are really there.

Too Soon?

Engrossed in your deepest thoughts
You lost your world

Acquaintances disappeared
Like a cheap magicians trick

Soul became achromatic
Your actions reckless
Cursing god in futility
Daring not to spill a tear
Predicting endings
Planning your last breath


Loss of hope

Staring at reflection
with repugnance

Can i say i tried?

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I'm cracking around the edges
the insanity begins to show

The pavement is running out
there is nowhere left to go

My mind is going crazy
the thoughts come out hazy

Tired of traveling in circles
under the pouring rain

Water is making me rusty
Oz is only a mirage

Frankie we're not in Kansas
The tornadoes only happen in my head

Tan Solo Me Falta

Quisiera que tus caricias
Me inspiren a escribir
La gran novela de amor
Que el mundo se merece

Que en cada uno de tus besos
Florezca un capitulo
Con escenas de amor y pasión
Como las nuestras

Quiero que el amor
Entre nosotros
Eclipse al de Romeo y Julieta

Un romancé
Puro
Sinceró
Recordable
Anhelado por todos

Tengo todo listo
Papel a la mano
El corazón en un hilo

Tan solo me faltas tu

Las Margaritas No Tienen La Culpa

Ya estoy cansada
de pasarme noches enteras
deshojando margaritas

Porque las pobres
no tienen la culpa
Que yo haga trampa
Y tu no me quieras

Solas se marchitan
al verme cerca
de el arbusto
Que llaman hogar

Ya no saben
si decirme mentiras
que yo quiero oír
para que las deje en paz

Oh decirme la verdad
Que al oírla de seguro
Me rompería el corazón

Keep It

You took My Heart
and you don't even know it

That's why i go back
to see if i can catch
a glimpse of it

See if its still
as neglected
as when i had it

Sometimes i miss it
i miss the small pains
it brought me

I don't miss the hope
that refused to die
after every crash

Maybe one day you
will notice its there
and when you do

Please don't look
for me
the Poor thing
Couldn't take that

it would surely
stop beating

Endless Reasons...

Maybe it was your five o’clock shadow
At three in the afternoon
It could have been your vocabulary
And your wounded soul I wanted to repair

Your theories on life
And religion
And how god fucked you over

I wanted to mend your
Shattered heart
That you so simply gave away
Only to have it returned in a 500 piece jigsaw puzzle

You were the rubix cube
I wanted so desperately to solve
I didn’t want to give up on you

You were blind
Maybe I was too

Aveces...

En las noches tristes
y oscuras aveces
me siento a pensar
que fue de tu vida

Estoy casi segura que
no paro como la mia

que no te dolio
y que tu no sufristes
como lo hize yo

alomejor tu
si puedes sonreir
tu puedes seguir viviendo
puedes
querer
amar
soñar

y que yo no te importe
tan solo fui una mas
que occupo
un dia de tu calendario

soy una sombra
de lo que fui
quebrada quede

y tu ni mi nombre recuerdas..

What I Am Now..

I'm a hopeless romantic
with a shredded heart

I'm a bitter old woman
with a collection of nameless lovers
that left me without so much as a good-bye

I have a ragged face
with centuries of stories to tell

I am as old as time
and as young as tomorrow

My tired soul no longer
flutters
nor does it jump
it sits there waiting to die

I have father issues
and a propensity
for attracting assholes

I don't have dreams
or ambitions

and just that is what I am

I don't live
I just merely exist

Read more: http://blogs.myspace.com/graveyard_queen90#ixzz0uNUDH1qc

I can't anymore

I cant anymore.. i cant date guys with self esteem lower than mine who wear leather jackets and listen to iron maiden or anything metal who have hair longer and greasier than mine who are insecure who are twenty years my senior who have full beards that resemble ZZ Top that are shorter than me or my height i have to stop dating guys cos they tell me im pretty cos they say my eyes are nice the kinda guys who say the right things at the right time and those that don't the guys who like my legs, around them who suck my soul when i kiss them But then again i don't know what i want.

Stories

Alice fell down
a rabbit hole
When she recovered
she was never the same

Andy fell for a boy
from the wrong side of the tracks (rich)
He found her uniqueness intriguing
But didn't worship her like Duckie did

Claire hated the boy
from he first time she saw him
She kissed him at lunch
Just to spite her parents

Gilbert was lost stranded stuck
at home
He's the one I relate to
the most

Patricia found Kim
Fell in love
Eloped
But thats all i know

Josie just wanted to be kissed
She lied to get it
But for girls like her
All is forgiven

My journal WEEPS...

My journal weeps, it cries out of loneliness and neglect. I still have the same journal from last year i began it at the the end of 2008, and its still there collecting dust maybe getting eaten by a stray rat or something. I started keeping a journal after my shrink recommended , and I found out Kurt Cobain kept one too. I call it a journal because it's not a diary. A diary is something you are supposed to write in every day. I wrote in my journal to keep from going crazy, to let steam off, to write my emotions out. I do believe it really works to write things down. My journal has been there through heartbreaks, school drama, my adventures in wonderland. It helped come back to reality. My journals consist of very thoroughly decorated 100 page composition notebook, unlike Kurt who used 70 page Mead spiral notebooks. Sometimes they started out as math notebooks, notebooks I used for history notes, ultimately they ended with piece of my heart, drawings, poems, sacrificial blood, stolen pictures. The grammar in them is bad. My handwriting is something not even Da Vinci could understand. I carried it everywhere. To write in the bus, class, the public restroom; I stopped carrying it because it was bulky, heavy, I'm uninspired. I haven't written in it for more than a month, and even that the entries are all spaced between the year. I feel bad because my journal has always been there for me.

My heart, My Pain..

My Heart's disarray is my own doing or at least that of my hopes to finding that one person. Its pretty sad and pathetic but I'm a romantic i'm in love with love, i stupidly wear my heart on my sleeve. Every person i meet i can imagine my future with them. Every date that comes and goes i picture it like something out of the movies. But it never goes that way. Every time i get stood up i feel like my hopes are crushed. Sadly i think i would settle with a complete imbecile, but not even those wanna, well at least not with me. I'm sick and tired. I was told i had high expectations, at least that's what it seemed like. Because i would get an interested participant and for whatever reason he would be dismissed. But what they don't know is that i really try, its not my fault I bite the hook whatever chance i get. Only to be thrown back in the water. I'm exhausted. Sometime i think Spinsterhood isn't that bad, at least i wouldn't be tired, and my emotions would be in a coma. I can't just sit and wait practicing my needlework and waiting for the knight in shinning armor, but i'm tired of looking. I'm tired of waiting. And sometimes when i have time on my hands, I think that thinking like this is pretty stupid cos im Only 19 going on 20. But i feel 19 going on 40. Then i do have a problem with the way youth these days try their chance at the opposite sex, which is social networks such as Myspace, facebook, etc. i find those things void of emotion, empty at something real. In them you only learn what they want you to know, you tell them what they wanna hear. Its wrong. Is it too much to ask for? To be loved? Too be consumed by a passion for someone else? I'll make sure to ask the doctor on my next physical exam to check my heart, I'm pretty sure it's shattered in a million pieces. The sad part is that its my fault.

Zapatos among other things..

Zapatos among other things..!
Everything is changing.. I'm changing all the time. My tastes change all the time, from music, to food, to clothes. Musically i think i have a very eclectic taste in music and it vary's from time to time. Like right now i'm very into German Psycho-billy and Spanish ballads from the 70's. My taste in clothes consist of whatever i put together and i feel good in it! But really i like browsing through alot of thrift shops and finding cool stuff no one has individuality is supposed to be key. The only problem is my mother doesn't understand that, so according to her it's like i'm dressing up in costume. And my little sister is on her side cos when she see's me she who is eight i think says "you're wearing that?". Anywho, so today i went to pick up my spazzy new frames from the optometrist's office cos all that reading has affected my prescription YAY! (*hint sarcasm*). So on my way to my chariot i went to this shoe store an Alternative shoe store that's near my doctor, my old store is off limits since i sort of broke up with the guy who worked there (but that's another story). So i decided to get some really nice shoes i'd been craving since last year. Yes, it is physically possible to crave a shoe! So i bought them 50% percent off! Went home and just hung the bag from a chair and avoided the subject from my mother, (she doesnt like my shoe habit). So eventually she asked what was in the bag and i told her "it's ok they're fr me you're not going to like them lets not bother" but she persist it she didnt like them and said it looked like Chucky's Bride shoes although she's never ever seen the film! if you wanna see the offensive shoe its as default in my pictures.

High Expectations

My friend told me just yesterday that im alone cos i have much too high Expectations. But that statement quarrel's what another friend told me when my latest nonexisting relationship fell through she said you dont have to settle. So I don't know. I do know you're not supposed to judge people based on looks, but when the only person who is after your bones is two inches shorter than you, ten years older, and still lives with his mother, he may be the sweetest guy ever but no thank you i'll take another number.. Yes, i know im the last one that should be judging based on looks but still. One thing i still have is my youth (somewhat) so i have time to look, but when you know people who stayed with high school sweethearts and were always lovey dovey, it makes you kinda sad. Although you know in the long run they will end up unhappy. But am i fooling myself by believing that a six foot one pompadour sporting prince charming is gonna sweep me up my feet? Cos yes i have given up on the idea that Johnny Depp is gonna leave that French bitch for me.. But i wanna think that perfect guy is out there? :s

New years bulls***!

I was going to post an old blog post from like million years but decided against it since i am starting over this "year".Yes im going to be one of those people this year with the new years resolution to loose weight, get a job, get the boyfriend. A chick flick waiting to happen. So i dont have much else to say but i will keep you posted on how my resolutions go!